We were in paradise . . . but it was hell for me

EXCLUSIVE; ENGLAND'S HERO OPENS HIS HEART TO THE MIRROR2

JONNY WILKINSON3 hit rock-bottom" as he sat on a beach with his girlfriend in the sun-kissed paradise of Mauritius.

Viewed through their telephoto lenses5, the paparazzi6 lurking7 offshore saw the perfect picture opportunity: England World Cup hero relaxing with a beautiful girl.

The truth was far darker. They had exposed Wilkinson at his most vulnerable. 8

They had pictured a man living with the pain of the present and in fear of the future.

He can be philosophical about9 it now. The question mark over whether he will play again has, he insists, been lifted. It is now a question of when, not if.10

But back then, there was no lighter side to life. His body was broken and he genuinely feared he was becoming a recluse" , a prisoner in his own mind.

"It was difficult to deal with the low times," admitted the 25-year-old, for whom nothing had previously seemed any great problem. "I just tried to keep myself busy by training. "

"The more I thought about the possibility my body would not recover sufficiently for me to play again, the more I tried to help it get better. I refused to accept that I may never play again, even though deep down I knew it was a possibility. ""

It was fine once his shoulder and neck had mended sufficiently for him to start moving again. But in the days immediately after surgery, he was left alone with his mind. And that proved a dangerous place to be. So he packed his bags.

" I decided that the best place for me to get all my thoughts together and write

my new set of goals was somewhere abroad, somewhere hot," he said. "It proved to be my biggest mistake. "

" I had just had the operation and my general health was pretty low. I was in a lot of pain and I just wanted a break from everything. I was trying to deal with the question of whether I'd played my last game. "

" I was also dealing with the aftermath of the pain of the operation and the surgeon’s message that waiting was pretty much all I could do. I was also getting a bit down, hiding away a lot, afraid to do anything. "

Far from finding an inner peace, Wilkinson encountered turmoil.

"If ever I questioned whether winning the World Cup was the right thing to do, if that was the payback, then that was the time," he said. "I was very upset by what happened because it was such an important period for me. "

Time has proved a healer. Or so it appears. As Wilkinson's body has strengthened so his increased confidence has brought him out of his shell. ""Hopefully I can deal with things a bit better. Maybe not hide away quite so much , " he said.

"This trip to Asia with adidas14 has taught me to be a bit more relaxed about things.

"I wish I could have been as relaxed then as maybe I'm becoming now. I would like to have been more prepared for everything. But I dealt with it as I saw it. "

"When I wrote down my goals after the operation that for me became the end of chapter one. "

"I more or less closed the door on the first part of my life. "

"All the work I'd done up to then had been for that moment, that competition. Now I have to start again. "

" I have to look deep inside myself and ask what it will take to become a better player. How can I improve?"

"This is the start of chapter two and while I don't know how long this chapter will be I can't wait to get started on it. "